What to do with this anger???

I recently came across a methodology I had never heard of before. It’s called “The Work” – and Byron Katie is the woman behind it. While slightly “faddish” in flavour on the website, like many Californian-based trends in therapy/ counselling/coaching, it resonated with me right away because of the simple idea behind it.
What we try to do in coaching is often, very simply, to stop ourselves from operating on “auto pilot” when we wish to create change - any change.
Changes we are looking for can be, to use just a few from recent clients: wanting to stop worrying too much about a colleague at work, dealing with conflict in a small team, making the right decision regarding career (leave the current company or stay and work through some issues there?) or stop food addiction, and lose weight.
Whatever it is we wish to change: we need to identify what’s our pattern, where’s the ‘autopilot’ taking us, and try to do it differently from now on. But how?
That’s where I found The Work’s “process of inquiry” very useful.
It teaches you to identify and question the thoughts that cause your current pain or uneasiness or unhappiness (they call it “suffering”). It gives you a tool to understand what is hurting you, and to address your problems with clarity.
I will outline the steps below, the way I translated them into my work, using it on myself first, then on clients, in both cases with very satisfactory results. I chose to do it on myself regarding a rough patch I was going through in my relationship with one of my family members. By going through the process below I realised that I was blaming the family member for my own anguish, while it was not at all her fault. She was merely being herself, pushing invisible buttons in me, which triggered me (on autopilot, oblivious to it, then realising it but finding it hard to crisply distinguish to myself what was so upsetting). A few weeks later our relationship has become authentic, flowing, warm and loving. What a relief. I feel lighter.

I then tried it with a client experiencing severe problems in communication and teamwork with his superior at work. Through the process, he managed to identify how painful certain behaviours by the boss were to him, and how he responded emotionally, causing a spiral of events making things worse and worse and feeling inadequate, stressed, and very, very angry. He now feels he is in control simply because he realised and internalised, deeply, that it is his own emotions and nothing really to do with the boss. It is a relief to notice that!
Yet, it means one has to work hard to change the habit, the ‘auto pilot; keep consciously paying attention when faced with similar situations or with the people we know trigger us. Do so for a while, and the change will happen.

So what’s this ‘magic’ “Work”?

First Step – is called “Judge Your Neighbour” – meaning: despite always being encouraged NOT to judge others, there is no need to suppress it here: the judgments we do make provide the “starting points for self-realisation. By letting the judging mind have its life on paper, we discover through the mirror of those around us what we haven't yet realised about ourselves”. Here, you are presented with a worksheet asking the following questions:
1. Who angers, irritates, saddens, or frustrates you, and why?
2. How do you want them to change?
3. What is it that they should or shouldn't do, be, think, or feel? What advice could you offer?
4. What do they need to do in order for you to be happy?
5. What do you think of them? Make a list.
6. What is it that you don't want to experience with that person again?

Step Two - Once you have gone through this process of judging, stating what it is that annoys, upsets, saddens or otherwise affects you negatively; you can start the next step which is about questioning – or reality-checking.
Interestingly, this stage is very similar to The Thinking Environment of Nancy Kline2. Her methodology is about first allowing the person to say ALL that is on their mind: everything they wish to talk about, say, feel or think. Her technique is different and much less directive for that first stage. Yet, once you have crystallised what it is that you are willing to deal with (“I want to stop being frightened that my boss will think I am not good at my job”; “I want to be less dogmatic and controlling toward my teenage son”; “I want to be less frustrated with slow people and be patient in dealing with those who need guidance” ); you are required to ask a few questions which are very similar to the questions below: what are you assuming, and is it true?

The Work denotes Four Questions. You can ask them regarding the first thought you had in question 1, or, if there is one assumption that has been recognised by you as the crux of the matter (such as: “I am scared my boss will think I am not good enough”, you start asking :
1. Is it true?
• The answer is a “yes” or a “no.”
• If your answer is no, continue to question #3.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
Even if the answer is “yes,” move to question #3.

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
• Describe the feelings that happen physically when you believe that thought.
• Describe how much of your body these feelings take over.
• Does that thought bring peace or stress into your life?
• How do you treat that person, yourself, and others when you believe that thought?
• What addictions/obsessions begin to manifest when you think that thought? (Do you reach for alcohol, credit cards, food, the TV remote, when you think that thought?)
• Where does your mind travel (into the past and/or future) when you believe that thought? Describe the images.
• Whose business are you in when you think that thought?
• What do you get for holding on to that belief? Describe the pain, if any.
• What do you fear would happen if you didn’t believe that thought?
• Where and when did that thought first occur to you?

4. Who would you be without the thought?
• Close your eyes. Describe life without that thought.
• Who would you be without your story?
• Drop the story just for a moment, and describe what you see.


Step Three - is about turning the concept or assumption that you are questioning around.
This part requires some skill or more thinking, as it can bring different results depending on what it is that you’re focusing on turning around. However, according to “The Work” “Each turnaround is an opportunity to experience the opposite of your original statement and see what you and the person you've judged have in common". Nancy Kline’s parallel “incisive question” offers a similar idea, opening for us an opportunity to remove the limiting assumption, get it out of the way, so we can see, think or feel differently.

A statement can be turned around to the opposite, to the other, or to the self (and sometimes to "my thinking," wherever that applies). Find a minimum of three genuine examples in your life where each turnaround is true.

For example, "Paul doesn't understand me" can be turned around to "Paul does understand me." Another turnaround is "I don't understand Paul." A third is "I don't understand myself."
You need to be creative with the turnarounds. They are eye-openers showing you previously unseen aspects of yourself reflected back through others. Once you've found a turnaround, try to allow yourself feel what it would be like to actually believe it, feel it or know this new aspect. How would that change your relationship with that person, or your feeling about yourself?
It is amazing to start realising, as my client who had an issue with his boss said “I was looking at myself in the mirror, seeing how I was doing all these things I always thought were being done to me. I didn’t like it at first but then, it was a sense of such powerful relief: it is up to me! I am not a victim!”

“The Work” website says,
"Now, instead of trying to change the world around me...I can put the thoughts on paper, investigate them, turn them around, and find that I am the very thing I thought you were. In the moment I see you as selfish, I am selfish (deciding how you should be). In the moment I see you as unkind, I am unkind. The turnarounds are your prescription for happiness. Live the medicine you have been prescribing for others".

Here are a few more examples of turnarounds from the website:
"He should understand me" turns around to:- He shouldn't understand me.- I should understand him.- I should understand myself.
"I need him to be kind to me" turns around to:- I don't need him to be kind to me.- I need me to be kind to him. (Can I live it?)- I need me to be kind to myself.
"He is unloving to me" turns around to:- He is loving to me (To the best of his ability)- I am unloving to him - I am unloving to me.
"Paul shouldn't shout at me" turns around to:- Paul should shout at me. (Obviously: In reality, he does sometimes. Am I listening?)- I shouldn't shout at Paul.- I shouldn't shout at me.

The Final (fourth) Step focuses on Embracing Reality.
The method is: After you have turned around the judgments in your answers to numbers 1 through 5 on the Worksheet (asking if they are as true), turn number 6 around using "I am willing ..." and "I look forward to ..."
For example, "I don't ever want to experience an argument with Paul" turns around to "I am willing to experience an argument with Paul" and "I look forward to experiencing an argument with Paul." Why would you look forward to it? Number 6 focuses on actually accepting that as human being, we all do this: we all interpret others, judge them, knowingly or unaware. We all judge ourselves as well. Sometimes very harshly. It is about “fully embracing all of mind and life without fear, and being open to reality”1, to what Gestalt calls “what is”.

Next time you experience an argument with Paul and it hurts, you can put your thoughts on paper and investigate them. Uncomfortable feelings are merely the reminders that we've attached to something that may not be true for us. They let us know that it's time to start a process of finding out what’s going on, using, for example The Work’s methodology.

Whenever you feel seething with resentment, anger or frustration, you can actually use it as a clue. This is a sign that you should check:
What did I avoid doing or saying?

Because, invariably, it is about what we do NOT ask for, acknowledge or demand that we are actually angry or upset. It is anger towards yourself. This is a difficult concept to accept for many clients. “What? Do you mean that I can’t just blame the boss/my wife/my insolent teenager/my rude neighbour? “
It is easier, and short-term comforting to do that, sure. But if you want a real change, you need to start looking at how your interpretations and your assumptions are affecting how you respond, how you feel and how you engage.

Byron Katie expresses this idea thus1: "Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done. This doesn't mean you must invite him to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see him again, you may even divorce him, but as you think about him are you feeling stress or peace? In my experience, it takes only one person to have a successful relationship. I like to say I have the perfect marriage, and I can't really know what kind of marriage my husband has (though he tells me he's happy too)".

Sources:
1 http://www.thework.com/
2 Kline, N. (2006) Time To Think: Listening to Ignite The Human Mind (6th ed.) London: WardLock Cassell Illustrated.